Resolutions

We went to our friends' (Amelia and Sarah) house tonight for the season premiere party of The L Word (in case you are not a viewer this is a lesbian drama/soap opera on Showtime that varies from great to a guilty pleasure to really really bad but still a must see as it is pretty much the only lesbian option out there). I had this moment where I had to pause when talking about our baby plans in which I realized that we could be a couple weeks pregnant by the end of the season of the show. This has been happening more and more lately...Thanksgiving, Solstice all times where we pause and say..."we could have a baby or we could be pregnant this time next year." I know that it is common that everything becomes about the pregnancy, about having a baby when you are in the process of trying and it is starting to be true for us. I think we had mentioned in earlier blogs that we had a list of things we wanted to do to prepare for the pregnancy (probably the reason that we...mostly Taylor...made only one New Years resolution this year; we already have a bunch of them). We have been working on the list in the last couple of months; I have started acupuncture to optimize fertility, we are in couples counseling to improve communication prior to a baby and to have a therapeutic relationship in place if there are problems conceiving, we have improved our diet and exercise plans, we switched insurance, we are tracking my menstrual cycle, I have had blood work and am in the process of having several physical exams, I am on a prenatal vitamin, we bought and relocated sperm, and we are planning on making an appointment with a lawyer soon. All of this understandably focuses our attention on the baby making and yet I find myself trying to focus more on the steps to get there than the thought of being pregnant. I think that I am scared that if I think about actually getting pregnant that I will jinx it somehow. Silly, I know but when you want something so much and for so long it sometimes seems impossible that it could actually happen. Instead I work on the things I can control, the things that I can plan. Those of you that know me will know that this is nothing new and that planning actually calms me down from my usual anxious state of being. So feel free to ask me what daycare options are near my work or on average how many cycles it takes to get pregnant using frozen donor sperm but if you ask if I am excited about the insemination I am likely to look at you blankly and stammer...or better yet ask Taylor because she is on the excitement train and ready to go! If the combination of our different personalities works as well in parenthood as it does in a relationship, this baby will be very lucky. :)