Numbers don't lie

Sorry for the lack of posting, Taylor went out of town to visit her parents in Boise so I had a quiet weekend to myself. I still have to keep reminding myself that I am pregnant. It doesn't seem real at all. I had some cramping over the weekend which I got a little worried about but apparently it is quite normal...it is that whole thing of early pregnancy symptoms and pre-menstrual symptoms being pretty much the same thing. Or what I call the evilness of the human body! Seriously, if you don't want to be pregnant you think you are getting your period, if you do want to be pregnant or are and want to stay that way you end up thinking that you are getting your period or miscarrying.

So just because I can, I did another blood test and a progesterone level (bonus again of working at a fertility clinic with an in house lab and an accommodating staff!) and everything looks great. All my levels are just where they should be. This is a huge relief although again I still have trouble believing that I am pregnant. Maybe because I have been waiting and planning for this for a long time, we both have, but I think Taylor would be the first to agree that I have always been really passionate about wanting to be pregnant.

Since the numbers seem to indicate that I really am going to have a baby I called to set up some interviews for a health care provider. Taylor and I decided awhile ago that we want to birth with a midwife. As long as this is considered a low risk pregnancy I do not want to be in the hospital and Taylor has not been comfortable with a home birth so our compromise has been a freestanding birth center not associated with a hospital. I strongly believe in the midwifery model of care and think that it best fits who we are and how we want to perceive this pregnancy and birth. Plus, I am biased as I worked at Birthingway College of Midwifery for a brief time and know the fabulousness of the staff, faculty, and students there. We are considering Alma Midwifery Service and Andaluz Waterbirth Center and will be meeting with midwives from both next week and the following week. I am so excited!!!

Today's Blood Test

This is just a quick note to say that my blood test score was 95.9 this morning! This seems to be a strong number and has helped relieve our minds about the pregnancy thus far. I'm off to bed early again tonight - I'm not that far along and already super tired, I guess I'm just starting to prepare for the level of energy we can expect to have for the next few years.

Our Academy Awards Thank You Speech

I feel like we haven't given enough credit to all of the people that have been providing care for us while we have been trying to get pregnant. We feel so lucky to have been able to do IUI procedures at home, it was incredibly personal and special to be in our own safe space while creating our family. Dr. Annie Hanaway is our naturopath and we think she is fabulous. Lisa Pate is the acupuncturist that I have been seeing. She also does work with clients at the fertility clinic that I work at, I would totally recommend her for anyone. Molly Padulo is our counselor that we plan to continue seeing, she is amazing in helping us work through issues as a couple and in terms of parenting preparation. Of course our friends and families are fabulous and their continued love and support means so much to us.

We have our second blood test tomorrow and I am anxious to make sure that the blood level is rising. If so our due date is around the end of December/beginning of January. We already have appointments set up with two midwifery practices that have freestanding birth centers in a couple weeks to select who our pregnancy/birth care provider will be!!

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

We couldn't wait, I took a digital test last night after holding my pee for about 4 hours until Taylor got home from class. It was positive!!! I took another one this morning and that one was positive too!! Then we did the blood pregnancy test at work and I have a good number (this was a quantitative test that measures the level of hcg in your blood). I will take it again on Thursday to make sure it is rising appropriately...should double or more.

I am pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We didn't get a chance to call all our friends and family today although I plan to e-mail/call more people tomorrow. I had to post in case anyone is checking tonight. It seems surreal and I don't think we quite believe it yet but we are ecstatic. Taylor wants everyone to know that this was the best picture she could get of the positive test. I don't know what else to write b/c I am kinda in shock...in a good way. :) Love to you all...

Maybe, Baby?

I took a pee test on Sunday and it was, of course, negative because my period is not due until Saturday but I couldn't wait. I took one this morning at 5:45 a.m. and it was negative in that there wasn't even a faint line (for those in the pregnancy test know...even a faint line means positive) but if I squinted and kinda slanted it there might have been a line. So I woke Taylor up and yes, she was ever so thrilled to have to wake up and squint at a possible line on a stick covered in pee. She thought she might have seen it but we were not sure. This has led me to think that digital tests are the only way to go for both ovulation predicting and pregnancy test. This way you avoid the bullshit of trying to guess if there is a line and if it is dark enough. We will do another urine test in the morning and a blood test tomorrow. Think pregnant.

Waiting

So I don't feel pregnant this time which makes sense as I wouldn't be yet...this is implantation week. I had acupuncture to relax and help facilitate implantation this morning which was fabulous especially as I ended up having a super stressful day. I kept repeating "We are open to having you in our lives, our hearts, and my body."

Again can I say that it is so hard to wait to do a pregnancy test especially because you don't know if fertilization has even happened. There should be a test for that. We want this so much! Although my acupuncturist says that the things we want most sometimes don't come easily which makes them all the more special. I repeated that to Taylor and got her standard response: "fuck that shit." Ahh, my partner is so profound. She went on to say that whether things are difficult or hard, they are always special because they're shared between us. Ahh, my partner is so corny.

Attempt, Version 2.2

Yes, you are right, Taylor did come up with the title for this post...she self admits she is a geek. The insemination this morning went really well. We did confirm that she used the uterine sound yesterday and that she was able to get into the uterus both last night and this morning. She did not need to use the sound this morning as the cervix was already dilated. We think that our timing was really good...I did another ovulation test last night that was positive so I think the negative one was just because I hadn't waited long enough before peeing on a stick. As all of our getting pregnant books state we are in the excitement phase of the process now and we are really hopeful. We can test in a couple weeks! Think Fertilization.

Attempt #2

My plan was to start blogging yesterday on Day 14 (which was yesterday) but given that I went to a work presentation and didn't get home until after nine, that didn't happen. It also just wasn't a good day in general and both Taylor and I had underestimated the stress we have been under the last couple weeks; the disappointment about the last attempt, Papa's surgery, stress about attempt #2, and general work/life stress...we, of course, took our stress out on each other. I took two ovulation tests yesterday which were negative (not surprising as I have not ovulated on Day 14 in the time I have been tracking my cycle) and had an acupuncture appointment which was so relaxing.

I credit the acupuncture because I had a negative test this morning (ignoring the fact that I am not really supposed to test the first morning urine) but a positive test with the midday test. I tested again this afternoon and it was negative but I think that was because I didn't wait enough time (usually a couple hours) without peeing so that the hormone could build up b/c it was negative at 5, I will probably test again tonight. Our doctor came over (part of the stress yesterday was deciding if we should use the tenaculum and uterine sound...if you remember neither felt great...for this attempt) and this time she was able to get into the uterus!!! Not sure if it was the new cannula that I brought home or if she did use the sound (we forgot to ask...although it was quite uncomfy it was not as bad a last time). We plan to do a second insemination tomorrow morning, I will be sure to ask if we did the sound yesterday. Then we both go to work and the wait begins!! Thanks for all of your support. :)

The new plan

Papa's surgery went well and although he has been too doped up to talk to us, Mama reports that he is good. Thank you all for your great healing energy...keep it coming.

The new plan is that the sperm will arrive on Tuesday, which works well as Taylor is working from home that day. I should ovulate as early as Wednesday and as late as Saturday...we are hoping for early so that Taylor can buy plane tickets to go to Boise to visit and help out with Papa's recovery. If my body doesn't cooperate then she may have to wait until the following weekend.

I have been pretty stressed about this next attempt since I felt a little like a failure with the first insemination...this has nothing to do with the process or our doctor but with my relationship with my body. Aside from my history of disordered eating which I am sure plays into all of this in some way, I have always had this huge fear that I can not get pregnant. I think I don't trust myself or my body so when it was a little more challenging than expected I automatically go to this place where I start thinking the worst. It probably does not help that I work at a fertility clinic and so infertility is the norm for me...I forget that my only real fertility challenge is a lack of sperm and apparently a slightly difficult cervix.

For some reason today I am feeling much more positive about the upcoming attempt. I think we will be more relaxed because we know what is going to happen, we will probably have to use the tenaculum again although our doctor is thinking we might try a different one and she feels really confident so I think that is helping me too. I also might try to take a day off to rest following the insemination's. I have scheduled acupuncture for next Tuesday (Day 14) and for the following Tuesday after the insemination.

Taylor is excited too but as usual is cautiously optimistic and hoping for the best. We are just ready for it to be next week!

Staying in the moment

I apologize for not posting recently, I have to admit to a little sadness over the failed insemination attempt but I think that we have rallied well. I had a "pity party" day and then got back in the mindset of getting ready for the second try which will most likely occur at the end of next week.

FYI I am a planner and a control freak so letting that go and trying to accept what is...that the average number of attempts seems to be around 3, that I can't wish myself pregnant, that everything will happen when it should happen and how it should happen is hard for me. Taylor is much more laid back (or seems to be, sometimes I can't tell if she is laid back or just expending too much energy dealing with my big feelings she forgets to pay attention to her own). I, of course, have already identified the best day care options for us, birthing classes, birth centers etc. and am ready (overly ready) to go. Through accupuncture, counseling, and reading I am trying to learn to stay in the moment, remember to breathe, and not get too stressed. Which is not easy when I have been waiting for this time in our lives for years. However, I really feel blessed to have the friends and family that we have and not just the people close to us but those of you who read this blog that haven't met us or are friends of our friends/family. I have meet two people in the last two weeks who have gotten the blog address through people who know us and who were so sweet and supportive (hi to Stacey and Pamela!). I often write on here not even thinking of who reads it, hence the barely articulate postings, but feels so wonderful to know that there is such positive energy and support from all of you. Thank you!

I would like to harness some of that energy and ask you to send healing, healthy thoughts/wishes/prayers to Papa (Taylor's father) as he goes in for surgery tomorrow. We will be thinking of him and hope that you can take a moment to keep him in your thoughts too.