Wednesday, March 26, 2008

There will be blood...

It's not just the title of a movie, folks! I did a couple home tests over the weekend and a confirmatory blood test on Monday...all negative. My period started today and the two week cycle begins again. We have ordered the sperm shipment and are planning the second insemination. I am hopeful that it will work and terrified that it won't. Here we go again!!!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Not today, probably not this month

So we took a blood pregnancy test at work today. My co-worker Heather was so super sweet and stayed late to run it for us and then gave us a very nice note telling us that our result was negative. It is a little bit early so it may be a false negative and we will do another test if I don't get my period but it probably just didn't happen this month. :( The part that pisses me off is that I was so sure that I was pregnant. Oh well. We will try again and figure out what to do better. Taylor keeps repeating what our doctor and the meditation c.d. say; that our family will be created in its own right time and in its own right way. Which is right...and we will be very ready for it when it does happen!!! :)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Waiting is torture...

As several people have pointed out one of the most annoying things about waiting to find out if you are pregnant is that most of the early pregnancy signs are pre-menstrual signs as well. I have had odd side pains since insemination, a day and a half of dizziness, and the ever annoying sore breasts. I don't know if I feel pregnant because I have no idea what that would feel like but I do think that I might be. Taylor is much more cautious and says "there is no reason to think you aren't pregnant." Which basically means she doesn't want to get her hopes up just in case. Probably the smart thing to do but I am very hopeful!

On Tuesday we were on a panel about lesbians having babies (technically Taylor identifies as queer but she was cool with it) for the Forest Grove PFLAG group. It was us and another couple who have an adorable 3 month old baby who smiled at me...Taylor says this is a sign that he was recognizing that I am pregnant but we will see. It was so interesting to talk about our process and listen to another couple describe their process. It is really empowering to realize that we do have some control over all of this in the way we address things, the decisions we make, and the pride we take in ourselves, our friends/family, and community. I would like to think everyone at the Forest Grove PFLAG group for making us feel so welcome.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The mind plays tricks...on my boobs!

As some of you know I am somewhat high anxiety in general but you may not know that I have a tendency for psychosomatic illness. Like when I read about some condition online I tend to start seeing the symptoms in myself or Taylor. This is why I am rarely "allowed" to look up symptoms we really do have lest I convince myself we have some kind of plague. So it isn't so surprising that I am doing that now when I have another week or so to wait until we find out if we are pregnant. For example our friend Hillary mentioned that one of the ways that she knew she was pregnant with her son was a lot of breast tenderness. I had had a little soreness prior to that but of course the next day they were significantly more sore. Taylor was pointing out that they could just be sore because I had been poking them to see if they were sore...valid albeit annoying point. I am trying to keep in mind that even if fertilization occurred last week it does not mean that implantation has or will occur...and there is nothing I can do about any of it aside from trying to control the impulse to look up information that is not going to be helpful! :)

We hibernated for most of last week as the first part of the week was emotionally stressful for us both and in addition had been somewhat physically stressful for me. On Friday though, we had a mellow night with our friends Hillary and Ian and their little boy Jude (who is so adorable that he would make most people want to have a baby!). We were extra social this weekend and went out of town to visit our friends Becky and Garren and their fabulously self confident daughter Erica. We relaxed in their newly remodeled house and watched a somewhat disturbing romantic comedy. We usually attend a Sunday night party to watch the L word but as we were late getting home after stopping to visit family we decided to stay home and be calm. My goal lately is to try to breathe and be calm. Less stress=increased fertility and healthier environment for the potential baby.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Positive frame of mind

Sorry for the delay in posting! The insemination yesterday morning went well, our doctor was still not able to get into the inner os but she seems confident. We did get the sperm in and there is a good chance that I could get pregnant as the sperm is good quality and I seem to have no fertility challenges except for a cranky cervix and lack of sperm. The insemination was a lot easier and she did not need to be as invasive with the outer os (no lidocaine or tenaculum...fun clamp thing) we listened to a visualization CD from Belleruth Naparstek (I so love saying that) that was so relaxing that I drifted off during the insemination, Taylor and Dr. Hanaway really enjoyed it too. Dr. Hanaway left and we got to lay together for about 45 minutes before I had to go to work. It really reinforced how happy we are we decided to go a less medicalized route. So we will see what is what in a couple weeks; if I am pregnant we will be ecstatically terrified and if not we will have a lot more information on how to improve the next insemination.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Think Fertilization

I had a positive test this morning and we did an insemination this evening and plan another one for 8 tomorrow morning!! Our doctor was unable to get through the inner os but did put sperm in so it is what it is at this point. I am disappointed about not getting all the way in but trying not to be...apparently my cervix points down (damn cervix) and while the outer os was wide open the inner had some issues. We will see what happens tomorrow and really it just takes one getting to the egg, right?. Dr. Hanaway was great and talked me through all the uncomfy parts, we played music that Taylor had compiled, Taylor thawed the sperm and held my hand through the whole thing, we also did a visualization afterwards led by the doctor that was really nice and relaxing. I am having a little cramping and a little bleeding and am just trying to take it easy. Taylor had her first night of class tonight and had to be a little late but I was so glad she stayed. As I am tired, emotional, and crampy that is all for tonight. Thanks for all the good wishes and love! :)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Swimmers Arrive!

The sperm are here!!! The Fed Ex people were an hour early, not that I was standing by the door or anything. Enjoy our silly picture!





Friday, March 7, 2008

It's in the mail...

I heard from our fabulous friend Cindy at California Cryobank (where I used to work) that according to her "the kids have left the building". She gave the sperm a pep talk and me a calming talk and they are on their way. I do have the tracking number (because Cindy is fully aware of my anxiety issues...even knowing that she gave me her cell number again) so I can obsessively watch them make their way to Oregon tomorrow....currently they have left Menlo Park, CA about an hour ago. Think happy thoughts for a safe journey.

The tank will be coming to Salem as we are staying with our family this weekend. I am going to a class with my cousin, Jessica and Taylor will hang out at the house with our nieces and their dad. Seeing Brinsley and Brooklynn and what great parents Jessica and Travis are, always reinforces our decision to parent.

I promise more updates as they occur!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Faux Marriage and then the Baby Carriage

So I forgot to mention that we registered for the Oregon state domestic partnership. Or as we like to say we got "faux married" this week. Before all of the sickness occurred we had our friend Ingrid, who is a notary, sign our papers for us and then we had a fabulous dinner with her and our friends Mike and Alisyn at a vegan restaurant. We didn't get a chance to file until Tuesday before going to see our lawyer to finalize our estate planning. At this point we are all set legally as a couple which is nice and the opportunity to have a state partnership is great too but I have to admit to a lack of excitement about the registration process. We have registered so many places now that it has lost any real feeling of accomplishment or celebration. I save that for when we can actually have federal rights. I don't mean to sound whiny and ungrateful for all the wonderful work that has gone into securing these new domestic partnership rights because I am grateful. I just would love to be able to be legally married. Anything else starts to seem like an insult after awhile.

In terms of the babymaking the sperm is set to arrive in Oregon on 3/8. This is Day 14 of my cycle. I have not ovulated this early before but have had a positive test (which indicates ovulation with occur within 24-36 hours) on Day 15 and more frequently on Days 17 and 18...so we will just see. Thank goodness the tank is good for seven days! When I have positive test (testing in the early afternoon) the plan is to call our doctor and she will come to the house and do an insemination that night and the following day/night. Then we can do a pregnancy test in 12-14 days. If I am pregnant, yay!!! If not, I will get my period and try again in approximately 2 more weeks.

It is getting so close now. :)